AITA for telling my BF that if he doesnt go to work, hes no longer using ANYTHING of mine (including my car AND wifi)?
By - Outrageous_County359
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**This includes calling OP's bf a man child.**
NTA but girl... Follow through with that ultimatum... He's lazy and never going to change
I'm starting to see that, honestly.
> "You trying to mother me all the time is a fucking turn off.
_"And I'm sure you can imagine how much of a turn on it is to have a partner who requires a mother more than a partner."_
You seem to be getting none of the benefits of being in this relationship OP, loving him to death seems to be more "adopting an adult" in this case.
The guy must have like a magic dick or something.
I don't see why you would stay in a relationship with someone that cannot take care of himself on his own. Cannot provide for the two of you if something were to happen to you or your job. Does not put you or your relationship first. Even after being given an ultimatum does not seem or want to understand the gravity of his choices on his relationship. Personally, I would assume by now he does not care enough about me or my relationship to change his ways.
Now, not to be a nag, but you LET him get away with this kind of behavior. Apparently there are no repercussions on your ultimatum as it has been a year-and-a-half. Time to follow through. I do not say you should immediately dump him(that's up to you). But there should be consequences to his (in)action.
NTA. I am pretty sure he must have some redeeming qualities, but I'd strongly urge you to figure out if this is the kind of man you want to be with and can stay with on the long term.
>Cannot provide for the two of you if something were to happen to you or your job.
I have a feeling if something happened to her and she couldn't work, he'd 1) leave her so fast her head spun and 2) be perfectly fine figuring out how to support himself (or finding someone else to mooch off of).
Lol do we have the same ex?
We broke up a little over two years ago (he was almost as bad as OPs bf except a lot more drinking and drugs) and in that time, he's had 4 girlfriends with the 4th one being an on again off again thing for the last few months.
Meanwhile, I've been with the same guy and we have recently gotten engaged.
ETA: OP, you're NTA to the fullest.
Same here. Except we got married and he got worse. Was drunk all the time, played video games day and night, never paid for a thing, and got indignant when I finally started standing up to him. Fucker put his hands on me twice and threatened divorce more times than I can count, but was shocked when I finally said I wanted a divorce. To this day, he swears it’s cause I cheated on him and he is on wife #5
My thoughts exactly. This relationship hit a dead end years ago. Imagine looking forward to planning a wedding with him, or having a baby with this loser. Yeah I can’t imagine OP wanting those things either with him. That’s a pretty good indicator that someone is wasting their life in a dead end relationship
He would neglect the baby. If he wants to live like a child and do nothing, he can move back home. Funny how he claims OP is Mothering him, but he wants her to bring him food and clean up after him like she's his Mother.
Unfortunately OP replied further down that they "don't have sex really", so it's not even the dick. Christ on a bike.
>Apparently there are no repercussions on your ultimatum as it has been a year-and-a-half.
An ultimatum with no follow through shows the other person your words have no actual meaning. This is part of the reason ultimatums should be used as a last-ditch option, because you have to follow through or they will be meaningless.
>"And I'm sure you can imagine how much of a turn on it is to have a partner who requires a mother more than a partner."
Mothers parent their children to leave the nest. That's not happening here, though one can hardly expect that of someone who's the same age, dealing with an adult who's already been (mis)parented, and has no power but the power to boot him out.
The quote that got me was:
>I was forcing him to waste away his life.
OP is *letting* him waste away his life. He's worked three months of the last 1.5 - maybe the last four - years. Thanks to OP.
Love is great and all, but money is the top argument couples have, and someone who isn't earning money or earning his keep in other ways (e.g., raising kids) is someone who's going to make life for OP miserable.
Hon, you can love someone and and not be able to live with them because of their choices, and your own choices for your life.
He may *indeed* be depressed - if he were doing the same thing with drugs and alcohol that he is with gaming, we would call it self-medicating. But he is also choosing to be **in** his illness rather than to get help. And nobody can make that step but him.
So far you have been enabling him. It sounds like it is important for both of you that you get him out of your home, so you can get some distance on which to figure out your feelings. Also, right now you are the “enemy” he is fighting, rather your his own demons. Once you aren’t there to fight, maybe he can look at himself - or not. That is up to him.
You are not responsible for his life or his future - even if you love him. And right now, you are his mom with benefits, and have been for some time. Sorry about that:-(
This is such a great point about enabling. My ex-husband was so much like this guy. And he was deeply depressed! But once I left him, he got his shit together and moved to a new city, got and kept a prestigious job, and went back to school while working. Clearly, he’s doing much better without my “help.” And I’m a world happier and with a new husband and beautiful child. I don’t know if he’ll ever see it this way, but leaving him did both of us a world of good.
It’s all up to the person. I had to leave an alcoholic ex who was in total denial. But he never changed - he lived with his mom who kept him supplied from her teeny pension for years until he died in his 50’s. So horribly sad for everyone, and such a waste - he was a brilliant guy and really sweet. But totally unwilling to face reality. I was with him for 5 years. His family still blame me. I am sure that is a comfort to them.
Please just note that there is not one positive thing about him in this post. Not one. To be clear, I cannot imagine anything that would make me remotely interested in a man who treated me with such complete disregard and contempt, and such absolutely breathtaking entitlement. But you don't mention any positive qualities at all. You just say that you love him, but that's a statement about your feelings and not his actions or character.
Is this maybe a relationship of habit? Something where you share history that's kept you feeling connected while he refuses to behave like an adult partner in any meaningful way? If you met a new guy and were considering dating, wouldn't this behavior be beyond a deal-breaker and into "laughably outrageous" territory? If you sit down and think about the real core, foundational things you want out of a relationship, is this what it looks like?
I think you deserve more. I think pretty much anyone does.
I think you nailed it. This sounds like a relationship that started when both people had less responsibility (I would've guessed high school or college but the ages don't quite line up), and one person grew up and matured while the other didn't.
OP, if you met this man for the first time today, would you still begin a relationship with him? Would you even give him the time of day? If the answer is no, consider whether he's still the person you thought he was, or the one you want right now.
You’re having to unplug and hide a gaming console in an attempt to get your partner to do the bare minimum of being an adult, surely being alone is less depressing than that.
Honestly I kinda want to give you an E S H, because this man has told you exactly how we wants to live his life and he's told you he wants your unconditional support for that life and your response is to unhappily put up with it. You're unhappy. He's not. Why are you doing this to yourself? You are an employed young woman, why are you settling for this?
It's good you're starting to see it! You deserve better! Can you really deal with this for the rest of your life? If the answer is no then it's time to move on.
Being a nice person doesn’t mean you need to support a lazy man who is leeching off of you. Send him home to his mother.
You need to re-evaluate your reluctance to be treated as a loved partner and not an atm. No need to feel guilty for putting him out. Spent time being alone to build up your ability to recognize your self worth, and strengthen yourself against this happening to you again.
Put him out. Today. And begin to heal yourself.
Good. Don't waste any more time on someone who hasn't even grown up enough to be a partner. He acts like a 12yo little boy
Get your car back like an hour ago. Seriously.
If he didn’t come back I would ha e reported stolen...
NTA, every minute you spend with that guy is a wasted minute of your life you will never get back. I game too, but also work full time and pay my own bills, and spend time with my friends and family. It’s a balance, he sounds like he’s a complete addict. I think you know what you have to do here.
You are 28 years old! What are you doing with this guy? I want to call him a child, but honestly, my 4 year old is more responsible and able to handle screen time then him so that just seems unfair to children.
What future do you possibly see with this guy?
I certainly hope you don't want to be a parent, because he is obviously not responsible for that. If you are child free, and just want to dedicate your life to supporting and catering to this unappreciative leech, that's on you I guess. But is that really what you want?
He stole your car!!
Just cut the dead weight, do you really want this to get your future? He won't change.
You’re being TA to yourself by being with him. What does he bring to your life that is actually meaningful? You can’t even call him a partner.
If he's depressed, are you responsible for his mental health? NO. So tell him to get his shit together, without you.
Not trying to be mean, but you should have seen this a long time ago, OP.
You're NTA but I feel like at this point the relationship isn't worth trying to save. Just cut him loose.
I was with "this guy" 7 years longer than I should have been...
You know what you need to do, it wont be easy or fun, but is this really how you want the next however many years to go? You already did 4...
He can be someone elses obligation, you have a life to live.
I used to be like your boyfriend. Most of my 20s was spent living with my parents doing nothing. It wasn't until my late 20s that a switch in my head just flicked and I decided to make something of myself. Honestly, if you are looking for that switch as well, you probably won't find it. He's not in a good place right now and will likely drag you down with him.
This man needs therapy. Honestly I was in a very similar rut, I didn't want to work, all I wanted to do was play video games. But it was all just a coping mechanism, if you truly do love him suggest therapy. If he doesn't seem receptive at all, then leave!
Yeah, he is not some kid anymore. It is ok to play games, I play games...but work is how I pay for the roof over our heads, food on our table, cars in the driveway, with money to spend on video games. I feel bad saying it, but it seems that he is never going to move beyond these 2 week-few month jobs. There are more fish in the sea...let him play games at his parents house, and try to find a real man to move forward in life with.
I can save you the next 4 years- this is going nowhere and it's not a relationship. Get out, and find a man that appreciates you. Good luck.
Speaking from experience, you can love someone to death, but if you don't work in other ways it's not fixable. A relationship is take it or leave it. You get the bads along with the goods, and the bads will NEVER change. If you can't live with the bads, then unfortunately you have to end things and deal with the heartache.
I wish I would have learned that sooner than I did, but young me was quite naive.
Sounds like he's just using you. I don't know your situation but I would not stay with the man. It doesn't seem like he has any drive to even support himself.
Omg lady, dump his ass. Now! NTA
I've posted this separately but I'm going to tag this here
It sounds like he actually has a gaming disorder and will likely not get better without treatment.
NTA obviously and if he does have a gaming disorder I hope he gets treatment soon
*Edit as it's the top post so hopefully OP will see this
And OP, if he does have a disorder of some kind, still do not continue to live with him and provide for him! He can seek treatment without you footing the bill.
He’s never going to change if you’re there to support him too.
YTA to yourself for still being in this relationship.
Came here to say this.
Ladies: It's better to be 30 and the only single lady in your friends group than it is to be 30 and married to an absolute loser
Edit: Thanks for the award!
“Things I needed to hear” for 500
Not only ladies!
Everyone repeat after me, I will rather be single and be the only single person than be abused by losers who aren't worth a cent.
Seriously. This isn’t a relationship. You’re his maid, his chauffeur, his cook, and his banker.
OP—tell him to return the car or you will report it stolen. Give him half a hour to pack his shit and then put him out. Get the locks changed. Purge everything that reminds you of him. Move on and live your best life.
Lol, this is it. I’m jumping in to also say DUMP HIM! OP, hopefully with this many people all saying the same thing you can get some perspective and find the strength to stick to your ultimatum and get this mooch out of your life. Good luck!!!
If anything, its much more empowering to confidently be the single woman in her 30s.
Exactly, I'd report him to the police for stealing my car. He's lucky with such a patient girlfriend, but I hope that will end soon.
NTA. Why are you with this guy? It sounds more like you are mothering a child rather than being an equal partner in a relationship.
Your boyfriend has an addiction if he's depriving himself of sleep to play games constantly. You could tell him that he needs to seek therapy or leave, but you've already issued a similar ultimatum once. **He blew his one chance.** Don't continue to let him freeload off you.
Yes...OP, you gave him the ultimatum, and he made his choice. Time to make good on your word. If you don't, you'll be stuck in this for longer than you should be. He has already overstayed his welcome and showed you who he is.
Im also a pretty heavy gamer who binges new games. Its a weird switch in my brain that doesnt turn off until I beat the game, but I also know that time for my significant other is important. It sounds like he has a real problem and it needs to be framed as such.
Yeah this reeks of addiction. Replace gaming with booze and it might seem clearer. Staying up all night drinking, spending money irresponsibly, missing work from hangovers or binges, losing jobs... all of it if you replace w booze reads alcohol addiction. This obsession with gaming is not much different.
You are definitely NTA. I wouldn’t say he is either. It sounds like he needs help. A lot of help. He may very well be depressed. Unfortunately as is with many addictions he might need to hit rock bottom before he recognizes it and is able to seek help.
You seem like you’re looking for permission to dump him.
You have all our permission. Spending four years on this shitshow does NOT mean you have to spend any more.
He doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t help with chores because he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t help financially because he doesn’t want to. I don’t care how funny he is or how good he is in bed when he’s not glued to a console.
Does he have a sibling you can talk to, or maybe there’s a mutual friend? You might need back up when you kick him out.
We’re all rooting for you, OP.
The above comment says all I want to say.
Please dump him OP. You are NTA and deserve better.
So mistakes were made and maybe you want to salvage the relationship. You want a return in these four years.
You are not going to get it from a man who looks at you in disgust while he leaves his mess around for you to clean up. There are decent men out there. A lot of good, decent men who don't need a mommy.
Break up with him and kick him out. Call the sheriff's department to escort him out if you need to.
Imagine yourself happy and doing whatever you want, alone and free in your own place. No one to cook for and give you dirty looks. You will find someone who treasures you.
Your comment made me laugh.
Because there has to be a reason she is staying with him. I wondered what it could be. Mind-blowing adult time is a good reason.
Not enough to put up with all his antics, but a good reason to keep him around for a while.
This sounds like it should have ended a couple years ago with a, “Well, I mean, you have a lot of...skills...but...this just isn’t going to work out.” And then you go find an adult to date because dating a Lost Boy is not what most people want long-term.
It might just be the delusional hope that she can somehow 'fix' him or he'll fix himself. Maybe he tried hard at the beginning of the relationship. Showered her in love and attention, went on dates... then they moved in together and he got comfortable quick. He tested her patience and got lazy, because his gf is gonna provide a home and food and money for his gaming addiction, so why bother working? Meanwhile, the change happened gradually enough that OP got used to the status quo, of her boyfriend doing nothing but mooch off of her, still thinking it was a temporary change and not a permanent one.
Not that good a reason. Replacing him with a teddy bear and an adult toy would still be a better and cheaper option.
It really isn't. I dated a woman who agreed with her husband that he had a platinum dick, which allowed him to be a lazy, narcissistic, asshole. Turns out they were both wrong about the dick thing, are getting divorced, and she's...still dating me.
Adult time isn't a reason to treat an adult woman like a chore slave while he plays games. Then gives her ' looks of disgust' when she doesn't do his dishes ( because she's literally doing everything).
I'm not saying that is a good reason for HIM to treat her that way.
I'm saying that she might have been willing to put up with his antics because she thought he might grow out of them in time. Meanwhile, along that journey she got to have a good time herself.
What does this guy bring to your life? I couldn’t even get past the first paragraph.
This is a grown ass man. You described the lives of 14 year old boys that were in my classes.
Throw out the boy and get a man.
He can live in a tent made out of the red flags he dropped. 🚩🚩🚩
> What does this guy bring to your life?
I, like many, hate the reddit trope of always telling people to break up. This is the real question when you read about a seemingly terrible relationship - we know the downside, what's the upside to outweigh the bullshit?
I cannot even begin to think of one here. Sounds like literally all he does is game and sleep, and occasionally reluctantly drag his ass into work. Outside of having a "good at video games" fetish I guess, what is in this relationship for you??
NTA clearly but I want to clarify something: you ARE acting like his mother.
EStop doing this to yourself, you said yourself you aren't his mother so stop acting like it. Even if you don't cook every meal or do every single chore you are babying him. You shouldn't have to hide the Xbox of a grown ass man for him to understand he needs to go to work- he needs to learn control by himself.
Whether you see it or not, you are treating him like a child: you provide for him, he uses your things as of they were his and he early doesn't have any ambition to leave this position. This guy is a moocher, he is using you. I also am pretty sure you do more house chores.
You really need to think about whether this is the future you want. Stop assuming he will change and be with someone who you enjoy the current state of, not some hypothetical ideal of your current man.
I think it's also unfair to expect HIM to change to a massive extent if he doesn't want to. If you aren't happy with him then you need to accept that.
Yeah, I do all the house chores. He actually looks at me in disgust if the dishes arent done but doesnt lift a finger to help in anyway unless his family or buddies are coming over. And even then its half assed. Idk, you're right.
Wtf are you doing with your life? Get rid of this useless thing and buy a house plant to replace him- it will be better for you.
House plant will at least give back oxygen!
At lease house plants produce oxygen
It sounds like you have a toddler at home. This relationship is really toxic and I would say bordering on abusive.
He gaslights your and guilts you into thinking chores are your job and you hide his things and try to make him change in a way he clearly doesn't want to.
to be clear, you wanting to change him and make him into a working member of society is understandable but It's not your job or your place, change comes from yourself, it shouldn't be forced to please someone else. It's his right to be a slug.
I just don't understand what exactly he brings to the table? He clearly doesn't respect you as a person or a woman (very likely sexist, whether he realises it or not) and you clearly don't like him in his current state, that much is clear from the way you talk about him...why are you still together? Relationships should have both partners bringing things to the table and bringing positive traits out of the other. This is clearly not the case.
I also want to add that you wanting him to be something he is not does mean you are fundamentally incompatible. You CAN love someone you aren't compatible with but it will always end in hurt. For your sake, get out.
Worse than a toddler. Mine grab a broom and try to help. Even put away toys.
And I get a lot of love from them.
I was about to say, even my toddler helps me. We clean the house together all the time. She will help pick up toys, use her little broom to sweep, help me swap laundry, do dishes. This guy is just a pos.
Definitely worse than a toddler. My 17-month old feeds the dog twice a day; wipes up messes, uses the broom; empties the dishwasher, and tries to take the trash out. None of this is stuff we ask her to do. She likes helping.
Are. You. Kidding. Me?
GTFO. He is not going to change no matter how many ultimatums you give him. And your ultimatums are kind of stupid anyway (you can't use my stuff if you don't go to work doesn't do a damn thing to fix his gaming addiction or utter disrespect for you.). End this.
He probably took your car to make it harder for you to leave or kick him out too. Jerk.
>He actually looks at me in disgust if the dishes arent done but doesnt lift a finger to help
Good grief. Personally, if it were me, getting that look would equal me throwing every one of those dirty dishes at his head.
The only one you're TA to is yourself. Respect and love yourself enough to dump this loser. You will be ever so much more happier when you no longer have to carry a fully-grown man on your back through everything you do.
Why are you with this loser?
The fucking *audacity*
I have zero idea why you keep this jerk around, no one is worth that!
> He actually looks at me in disgust if the dishes arent done
I can feel my blood pressure rising and I am not even dating him. You deserve so much better than a whiny toddler boyfriend.
Every second you stay in this relationship is a disservice to yourself.
I couldn't imagine wasting my time with such a human being.
no offense, but how did it last 4 years..... NTA btw.
You might love him but it sure as fuck doesn’t sound like he loves you. Not in the real long-term relationship making way. The supportive and helpful partner who wants to build a stable life together way you deserve.
He really does sound like he needs help for his gaming addiction. But that’s not your responsibility. As long as he has you to mooch off of he will never even realize he has a problem. You leaving might be what makes him get his shit together.
Or he’ll just find someone else to mooch off of.
Either way, it’s not your problem. You do not have to stay with an addict (or a depressed person) just because they have a disease, especially not one who is unwilling or unable to admit they have a problem and get help. Double especially one who treats you like dirt.
You can do so, so much better. There's lots of guys who do even the *minimum* of working, doing chores and not treating you like crap out there. Don't wait for this guy to magically change into someone who fulfills those basic requirements. It's not your job to fix him.
dude. yta to yourself for enabling him. dump him, he will literally never change, even when he promises while crying, begging on his knees for you not to leave him. he'll turn around and go back to his ways less than a week later, i'd bet money on it. stand up for yourself and your future.
please dump him. Be done with it.
Look, I'm not gonna ask why you're dating him. I am gonna ask WHY ARE YOU LIVING WITH HIM???
Then why do them? Say on Monday, Wednesday Thursday Friday it's his job to do the dishes. He doesn't go to work right?
He has time to do the dishes, sweep and mop the kitchen and get the laundry done, then.
Or he can work and hire a maid to contribute to his household obligation. Just because you have ovaries doesn't mean you have to cook and clean for this guy. He lives there. He should help.
For example, my husband did the dishes today because they needed to be done. He doesn't mention it or need a parade thrown in his honor. He's just a man who gets things done and I respect him for it.
Please break up that idiot
Then I guess it's time for him to fend for himself if he doesn't like it.
YTA for staying in this relationship when you should dump him.
I don't think blaming her is right though, there may be a lot we aren't aware of such as gaslighting etc. In one comment she mentions he will guilt her/manipulate her into doing all the dishes. It sounds like a semi-abusive relationship. Getting out can be very very hard.
enh, abusive is a term that people like to throw around because it absolves one from owning their own choices. No doubt he's manipulative, but she doesn't seem to fear him or his response, so while he is definitely an A-hole, she probably needs to face up to the fact that because of her own insecurities or whatever.. she is choosing to continue to put up with it. Acknowledging and owning that is usually a step needed to end the cycle.
Abuse is a **pattern** of coercive behaviors, or behaviors that subject others to emotional trauma.
According to the The National Domestic Violence Hotline, abuse is “a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.”
You’re reaching in your other comments when you say OP is also being abusive.
but again...OP's bf wants no control. He would be ecstatic if he could just stay home, play video games and OP pays the bills and does all the heavy lifting.
And yes, my comments about OP being abusive was pointing out another example of slapping the abusive label on behavior, based on a fast and loose interpretation of what abuse is, in actual practice.
I agree that she needs to acknowledge the issue and realise how bad the relationship is. However you do not need to fear your partner for them to be abusive.
An abusive relationship is Relationship abuse is when there is a pattern of coercive behaviours to retain power (sexual financial or otherwise). That coercive behaviour can include violence but doesn't need to. Guilting someone and making them feel 'disgusting' for not doing the dishes is abusive.
Her not realising this is going on doesn't make her the asshole, it makes her naive at worst.
not every shit trait in a partner is abuse. What OP describes doesn't pass the smell test to me. Especially when you consider that her BF isn't trying to be in charge here, he wants to be coddled and taken care of. Is he manipulative? Yup. Abusive? Not as described.
>I love this guy to death
Does he love you?
Claims he does.
actions speak louder than words.
He loves you taking care of him. He loves the idea of you, not you. When is the last time he complimented you or did something for you like making a candle lit dinner? Does he cherish you?
Well what do you think he would say outright? That he never wants to work, and only loves you if you let him stay at home, while you work?
Of course he says he loves you. What he really loves is having access to a vagina that pays his bills and for all of his food and gaming.
He can’t visit his mother at night for his “manly needs” so she isn’t the complete package for him.
You however are covering all of the stuff that his mother does for him, and in addition allowing him access to your body. What’s not to love?
We dont have sex really, so that's out.
girl then what does he bring to your life? because if he isn’t making it better, then let him go
Its because you ARE his mother. You cook, you clean, you pay for everything, and you look after him like he is a child. Neither side finds that a turn on (kinks aside)
He has forced you into that role because he isn't acting like a grown up, and instead is living his teenage fantasy.
Ditch him and find yourself a grown up. You deserve so much better.
Luv, we tend to accept the love we think we deserve. And you deserve better.
I've been in a similar relationship so I understand it's hard when you love someone and don't want to abandon them.
but he probably isn't going to change, at least not with you there enabling him, and honestly it'll get worse. The best thing you can do for both of your sakes is kick him to the curb. hopefully it wakes him up to bettering himself and you can get some peace.
you deserve better and no matter how worried you are about being alone or whatever it is holding you back, being able to breathe freely is so worth it.
Okay seriously what are you getting out of this relationship? What benefit does it bring to you?
You say claims - OP, even you can’t really justify him! Here, you dropped these: 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩
Whoa, that's ridiculous... Gotta say he must give amazing sex because wtf are you getting out of this relationship?? You're not the Ah at all... He's a child with no desire to be a man.. You deserve better
We dont have sex so its definitely not that.
Oh that's just tragic then... I'm legit sad for you... What does he do that you appreciate about him and feel that it's worthwhile staying together for?... Like, just list his top selling features
Hes funny, understanding (usually), incredibly intelligent. Basically the only person ice ever met that I can hold an intellectual conversation with. But admittedly, I had a hard time even coming up with those examples. I dont even know why I posted this. I think I already know that I need to just brush my hands clean at this point.
It might be a good idea to be single for a little while after your current bf becomes your ex. You mentioned that your last bf was abusive and this one has worked 4 months out of the last year and a half and only because you gave him an ultimatum. He does no housework and is generally useless (and at least somewhat unpleasant) when a new game comes out. That isn't a relationship. It's you getting treated poorly and him trying to avoid growing up.
Take some time to just be on your own. Enjoy it for a while. Then start to think about the kind of relationship you would want. Make some bare minimum requirements, like, has a job, doesn't think a woman should do his share of the housework, and is nice to you. Take note of behaviors in your last relationships that were problematic and cut them off as soon as they appear in future relationships. You don't deserve to be treated badly in any relationship, and you should walk away as soon as it starts.
You're NTA here.
Edit: Wow thanks so much for the anonymous silvery award! :)
"basically the only person I've ever met that I can hold an intellectual conversation with"
I'm sorry, I was rooting for you reading this entire thread until that. That's some elitist bullshit. If he's the only person you've ever met that you can hold a conversation with, you're not meeting near enough people. You both have issues.
When did you get to establish this? Between Call of Duty releases?
Only person you e ever met you can hold an intellectual conversation with?
First - I highly doubt that.
Second - On What? Assassins Creed?
Those are good features, but yeah, I think you might be able to find them in someone else who doesn't have a crippling video game addiction... And he's clearly an addict... It's interfering with normal daily functioning and ruining relationships.. That's addiction...... It won't be easy for you to get rid of him, but over time it's gonna get better..
Yes, you have a roommate not a boyfriend and your roommate sucks.
I'm not going to give you a judgment, but I am going to give you some advice I hope you take away with you. You DESERVE better! I spent years in crappy relationships because my self esteem was so low. It's hard to be the single friend, especially when everyone else is in "perfect" relationships. I decided to take time and work on me. I actually listened when someone gave me a compliment and didn't just brush it off. I actually gave myself worth. I finally started to believe that I deserved better. That I didn't deserve to be treated like crap. I truly hope that when you end this, you take some time to work on you and realize that you deserve so much more than what you have been settling for.
The more of your comments I read the more you sound like my friend and her (finally) ex husband. 20 years of if I support him enough he'll find himself and contribute to the relationship. Meanwhile she got nothing out of it. The two of you sound just like them. The lashing out when expectations are put in place, you're not my mother but have to care for me like I am, and the short term bare minimum after getting an ultimatum then back to business as usual if not even worse than before.
When we were first getting to know each other she was complaining about him and I said "well the sex had better be spectacular". She admitted it was nonexistent. I asked her why she stayed with him "well he's better than nothing".
I told her I thought my "nothing was better than her something", we almost didn't go on to be friends after that.
After she divorced him and kicked him out, he still refused to get a full time job, had a new girlfriend lined up before he was even out of the house and now mooches off of her.
I feel like you were looking for validation. This is it, honey. Kick his ass out. Pack him up, change the locks, and build your self esteem back up. You are worth more than this. You deserve a partner who cares about you as much as he cares about himself. There's no future with this guy.
You're NTA. He's the narcissistic asshole here.
So, bare basic minimum requirements for a relationship?
yes love. get you car back, report it stolen so they bring it back, something, and lock him out. get the locks changed, throw his shit out. he has to go.
NTA. Dump him immediately.
Oh good Gods.
INFO: Were your previous partners similar to him? Are you usually the one who tends to give more than she gets in a relationship?
Yes, my last relationship was incredibly toxic and abusive.
Ah, so this is a "good by comparison" relationship. That makes a lot more sense.
For your next relationship, make sure the person treats you as well as you treat them--not just better than the last guy. And DON'T move in with someone who won't support himself and won't take equal responsibility for your shared home.
I'm really sorry to hear that. You seem to be a loving, patient person who deserves much better. It does sound like a pattern here, one that might be worth looking into with some psychological help. Are you familiar with "Women Who Love Too Much", by Robin Norwood? Some of the values in the book are outdated, but the overall message seems very relevant to your situation.
And you're NTA, of course.
Hey, a lot of us have settled for terrible relationships because of low self esteem and thinking we don't deserve better. Leaving a shitty relationship on your own terms and with your head held high can be incredibly empowering. Just think of how free and light you will feel when you aren't spending all your time, energy, and money catering to this energy vampire. Relationships should add to your life significantly, not drain all the vibrancy out of it. Start making an exit plan, cut all ties so he doesn't suck you back in, and spend at least a year enjoying being single and getting therapy before you date again. I promise you, in a year you'll look back and shudder at the thought of your life ever being like this. ETA: He sounds 100% AWFUL
So is this one.
I'm sorry that your last relationship was like that. But honestly, this relationship also reads as incredibly toxic and abusive.
You're in a position where you do everything and if you don't he lashes out. You call him out on his shit, and again he lashes out.
You know exactly what you need to do, leave him. You can love him all you want, but that is not enough for a happy life. Because he has made it very clear that he doesn't feel for you what you feel for him.
Can you imagine spending the rest of your life like this? Can you see doing this for another year?
Because I think the answer might be no.
If all a person brings to your life is making you happy, that's absolutely enough to justify keeping them in your life.
From what you've said, though, that's not the case. If you're used to/comfortable in abusive relationships, then I know with every certainty that your life can be better than what you can even imagine currently. Not an exaggeration. And, if you need a reason to go towards that, people are more productive when they're happy. You can do more for yourself, friends, family and the world if you are actually happy.
Also, you deserve that.
NTA, But: Do you want to live like this forever? What kind of future do the two of you want, like kids at one poinr? Because: You will not change him.
Nothing against gaming at all, actually just send my hubby up to do this so i have an hour or three for myself ;) but this is not ok.
No he's being ridiculous and such a big change is needed it seems impossible
NTA but how do you cope with the back pain from carrying this whole damn relationship?
Giving him an ultimatum verbally solves nothing, will solve nothing and will only continue to saddle you with being a mothering partner in the future. He's BEEN CHOOSING OP. With his actions he's already been telling you what he wants from your relationship and from his life; a mother and a caretaker while he lives to his fullest mooch potential.
NTA. You needed to dump him 4 years ago. You’re not dating a man, you’re dating a child and worse, you’ve been enabling him for years.
He has a chronic issue of laziness, as well as being generally disrespectful to you.
It doesn't sound like you have a partnership, you have a parasite with an addiction to gaming.
There are times when my SO has been unemployed before and he spent that time always looking for work, applying daily, and cleaning and cooking while I worked.
Having a gap in employment is not an issue by itself, shit happens.
But he is expecting you to carry the whole financial burden alone.
I outearn my spouse by quite a bit, and likely always will because of our different career paths. Because he can't contribute as much financially, he makes sure to take on other responsibilities in our relationship so it evens out.
Love is a partnership that takes effort from all parties involved, it sounds like he is just using you honestly.
ESH sorry that was a tough one. You can't make repeat ultimatums then not completely follow through. You are not giving yourself a fair shot by allowing this to continue. He's lazy and selfish.....and has been...and after 4 years is seriously unlikely to change. Not working, borrowing your car, mooching off of you is working for him...he's going to keep doing it. Is this really where you want to be 5 years from now? 1 year from now? You deserve better, don't you?
But why is she an AH? Not following through on a threat only hurts her not him. I don't think blaming someone in a early semi-abusive relationship is right because there is likely a lot of guilt tripping and Gaz lighting involved. (I say this based on other comments: he guilts and manipulates her into doing all the chores and I'm sure that isn't where it ends.)
She's being an asshole to her future self by staying with him.
She is an asshole to herself
It was a tough call thats why I went with Everyone Sucks Here but it was mainly for not following through on her threats. She'll threaten, he'll work for a few weeks...cycle continues. For four years. I didn't read gaslighting into the post. Seems she knows very well what he's doing (being lazy,selfish). And she deserves better and I believe she probably knows that. I hope she does at least.
NTA at all here! I'm honestly surprised you lasted this long with someone who won't do anything about the house. I believe you're completely correct in saying what you did, you can't be expected to treat them like they are your child.
In the least offensive way possible, I'd consider your future with this kind of person and think if that's who you would want to be with and mothering for the rest of your life
OP, if you want what i really think, here it is: Dump him. He is only going to cause you depression, and he isn't going to make you any happier. He expects you to be a slave, to do all the work, to get him food, and you get NOTHING in return, except for him telling you off for interupting his game. There are so many people out there for you, and clearly, his Video games are the only love of his life. If you decide to take my advice: good. Get all of his stuff, put them in bags, wait for him to come back, get your car keys and throw him out. You sound like a really lovely person, who really cares about your boyfriend, but that isn't a boyfriend honey, that is a child.
You don't have to take my advice, but really consider if he is worth all of this mess.
Goodluck OP, NTA.
YTA...to yourself if you stay with this pathetic excuse for a man. He’s a child, and contrary to what you state you do seem to have taken on the role of “his fucking mother”.
NTA. Why are you with this man????
Nta... dump him unless you’re ok with having this same fight when you’re 40. He is not going to change. I promise you there is someone else out there that will love you as much as this dude AND will contribute to the household. You deserve a partner, not a dependent.
How’s that single mom life treating you?
Cause that’s what you’re living. You say you don’t want to mother him, but you’re having to force him to stop playing and do his chores (job) and you pay all his bills and cook and clean for him. What exactly makes him a good partner to you that you willingly subject yourself to this treatment?
NTA, but your childish BF sure is. You deserve someone who is gonna be on your team, not just his video game team.
Honestly? You say you don't want to mother him, but that's EXACTLY what you are doing. Trying to create scenarios for him where he has no choice but to go to work and he has to rely on YOU to create them, otherwise he can't function. You don't have a relationship, you have a co-dependency. I can't even tell you how many women get sucked into this cycle of complain-try to fix-rinse-repeat. Putting up with this shit is a sign of really poor self esteem. You need a partner, not a leech. Why are you doing this? Be honest with yourself. ESH.
Why are you still dating this child?
Seriously though, how many more chances are you going to give him to prove you right? He's already shown you who he is- believe him.
Instead of giving him another ultimatum, just call it and go find somebody who can contribute equally to the relationship as you do.
**Skip the ultimatum and take control of your own fate**. Just say:
*"I'm moving on with my life, I deserve better. I wish you the best. Goodbye."*
Don't wait for him to magically be cured of his gaming addiction and character flaws. It's possible that losing you will shake him into changing his behavior. But don't count on it.
You should be doing what you need to better your own life. Breaking up after 4 years is not easy, I know. But after a few weeks, you will feel an incredible sense of freedom and hope for your future to not be bogged down. You may need to make arrangements for the logistics, moving, etc., figure it out.
There are plenty of good dudes out there who can adult, and not only hold a job, but are financially responsible (e.g. are saving, investing, etc.) AND would appreciate a good partner. Someday when you are hanging out with a partner who appreciates you, you will wonder why you ever wasted your time with this loser.
.... why are you with this person? Like seriously. You do not have any self-respect or something? NTA
You'll be an AH to yourself if you don't throw his stuff outside and change the locks. DUMP. HIM.
ESH he sucks and you enable him and waffle on your threats; this just seems to be the most current one. He's coasted through your threats for years. Stop putting yourself through this.
NTA. If he was a SAHH type - taking care of the house, cooking and cleaning, contributing in some way - it could be ok. But as you said, you told him to find a job. He did it just long enough to get you off of his back for a while, then regressed. You need to evaluate whether this is the life you want.
YTA to yourself, why are you with this lazy asshole?
I wasted 6 years on a man like this. Love wasn't enough. I needed a best friend and life partner.
It was so hard at first cause I loved him to death. But I was so lonely. I freed myself that day. I focused on me and my hobbies and my passions and one day I walk into a store and there is my now husband.
It was like he was there waiting for me, because I loved me first.
Our son will be 10 in April. My heart is bursting thinking of when he comes home from work today and I have him back in my arms.
I gave myself that gift when I put my needs first, healed my heart and learned self love. It was worth every tear. Because I've never cried like that again.
You got this!! Life is not a race. Its a journey. This experience shows you what you want and don't want. Thats the gift your bf is giving you. Now it's time to have the strength to keep pursuing your own self love. Its scary. But freeing. Keep him with you on the journey or not. Only your heart can tell you what you want.
Just remember you're worthy of love and happiness.
Do one last mother thing for him. Pack his stuff and leave it outside.
I've been married to my wife for 14 years, and it's been pretty easy to never call each other "fucking asshole." He's calling you lazy and holding against you the fact that you try to keep him accountable. What do you gain from this relationship. He's not nice, he's not helpful, he's not there to be a team... What's seriously there? He's funny sometimes maybe?
NTA. He could actually be depressed. My husband was unbelievably lazy when he was depressed. So if you want to give him one last chance on the condition that he sees a doctor and therapist, that would be valid.
If he isn’t at least willing to try that, though, dump him.
(My husband was unemployed and unmotivated for 2 long years, but he was at least seeing a therapist and taking meds. For him, getting a job actually snapped him out of it. He hasn’t ever gotten as bad since.)
NTA but he has a lot of growing up to do. Video games are fun and all, but it’s hardly the most important thing. But instead of threatening to take away his toys like a parent would, tell him something has got to change or he can crash with his friends for awhile. Or something?
NTA ... and what exactly is there to 'love' about this person? Kick him out, get your car back, and walk away.
NTA So it is ok for him to force you to work and "waste away your life" so he can continue being 10 years old. Screw that noise. You might text back, "Making me BE your mother is a fucking turn off"
Stick to your guns, I wouldn't hide his xbox, but I would for sure turn off the wifi and stop paying for everything. He needs to man up. So sad that he doesn't get to play video games all day long because you are so mean as to ask him to get a fricken job.
Btw, I do have a person in my family that primarily plays games (shadowlands just dropped) I don't ask him to have an outside job because he PULLS HIS WEIGHT by doing chores and taking care of ME.
"I love this guy to death"
INFO: Y tho?
NTA. The cheek. You deserve better and should have left this tool a year ago.
Former manchild here..
ESH: I have to say it, you've enabled this behavior for so long, it is the norm for both of you. You're not the A for your recent actions, cutting him off and giving him an ultimatum is the best thing you can do, but only if you actually follow through with it. He says you mother him because that is the role he is still in, he wants to act like a kid and just play games and have you take care of him. He is almost 30, dude needs to wake up and realize the world isn't going to hand him everything and that everyone hates work. He isn't special, none of us really want to work and most of us would like to just sit at home and play video games. If you don't want to be his surrogate mother, first stop acting like it. Then decide how many children you want and if you're ok with one of them being your future husband, because if he doesn't wake up, thats where you are both headed. He needs to realize that if he wants to be an adult, he needs to start acting like it and if not, he needs to call his mom and ask if he can move back in.
So if he doesn’t have a job how is he buying every new game that comes out on release day? What does he eat? Does he pay rent? Or if you own, does he pay utilities? I find it baffling that he even made it to the “move in with you” stage, financially let alone romantically/civilly.
NTA - I can fully understand your frustration. My ex was similar (though he worked). Every spare minute was spent sleeping or gaming.
You need to stand by what you said. It's not fair on you.
NTA, you ever heard love alone isn't enough for a long term relationship? kick.him.out
Offspring made a great song and video about your situation, it's called Why don't you get a job? NTA.
"You trying to mother me all the time is a turn off....btw can you bring me a sandwich and wipe my ass for me?" NTA, op.
NTA. You’re right, calling him lazy is an understatement. He could be depressed, but if that is the case he needs to do something about it. He’s almost 30 years old, can’t hold a job due to video game addiction and simultaneously blames you for overmothering him and not doing enough to support him. You won’t win this, he needs to make the change.
NTA, throw the whole man away. I could go into a whole bunch of details, including how this could be considered financial and emotional abuse, but I know I don't need to because I know you know in your heart that you need to end things. There's a whole new world out there where you don't have to put up with this nonsense. I don't know if you want kids, but could you IMAGINE the horror of trying to raise kids with this guy?
NTA. Sweetie send him back to his mother’s house because he is still a child and she isn’t done raising him. You’ve gotten a glimpse of the rest of your life. Cut bait and move on.
His response is "my actions (refusing to keep a job, playing video games round the clock) aren't the problem, your reaction (expecting me to contribute, leveling consequences while doing all of the adulting...) is the problem. Is this ok with you, OP? Are you ok staying another year, four years, ten years, if he doesn't change? NTA.
NTA but dude, Honey. What are you doing???? LEAVE HIM!!!! he hasn't been paying anything???? You're the sole breadwinner???? He's been using you for YEARS!! You deserve so much better than this guy.
NTA. Bro, I’m a 26 year old guy. And I love gaming. I play all the newest games too, and even binge play them to a degree. I also have major depression and anxiety, but fuck man still manage hold my life together. I still cook and clean and hang out with my girl if I’m seeing one at the time. I don’t expect to get taken care of. Because I’m an adult, and it’s embarrassing to me to not be able to provide for myself. Your BF is a loser, there’s no better word. He’s a pathetic loser and you just can’t enable that shit. You need to leave him. He’ll go mooch off some other poor sucker or realize he’s gonna have to work or be homeless. And that’s no ones fault but his. He is not your responsibility to care for. Your in the relationship for a partner not a child.
info: what are you even getting out of this relationship? a headache?? a fully grown child???
Your dating a child, leave his ass be and level up queen
At 14 at least they get up and go to school which is more than this fully grown man.
NTA and I hate to say this but:
There are so many good men out there that work, don't complaint, and are willing to provide support instead of just be a vampire. I'm not saying "nice guys" (that's a whole other class). But I will never understand how guys like what your explaining get people willing to support them. You say you love him to death, but he literally called you an asshole for wanting him to have a job.
NTA, but you ARE a doormat. This guy is the best you can do? Someone who wants a "bang maid"?! He doesn't want a relationship, he wants a mother who will clean and provide and fuck on occasion.
He thinks you mothering him is a turn off, how did you not respond with "Being turned INTO your mother is certainly not turning ME on!". This relationship sounds completely dysfunctional and you should ditch him completely. Being ALONE is better than this heap of shit.
NTA. Well, he's a huge asshole. His behaviour isn't normal and he should realise he needs to support himself and not use you. I know you said you love him, but do you want to be in a relationship with him acting like a child and says you're the one in the wrong for acting like an adult?
My friend was in a similar situation. Dude was constantly ignoring her because he played around 18 hours a day and though he could make money from twitch/youtube. (He had like 30 subscribers). Luckily they weren't living together, so it was a bit easier. She broke up with him and now, 2 years later he's still living with his parents, unemployed, gaming that much.
I have nothing against gaming, but gaming addiction + childish behaviour is terrible combination.
You deserve someone better.
NTA. Sweetie send him back to his mom because she clearly hasn’t finished raising that child. You’ve seen your future with him, it’s your choice now to let him stay or not.
NTA in this specific scenario, but sister friend, he will change when he has to, and frankly, as long as he has a home, a warm bed, someone to cook for him, and an XBox, he doesn't have to. So your relationship is allowing him to remain in this middle school state of arrested development. You're either the person who is meeting all his needs and wants, or the person who is taking that away. Once this parent/child dynamic is established in a relationship, it's near impossible to change without ending the relationship. So if you stay, you're kind of TA. Certainly to yourself, but letting him go is his best shot at actually changing this pattern.
Dump this lazy hobosexual and get on with your life. And report the car stolen if he doesn't bring it back.