I’m really sick of lying.
By - Partition_Function_
For the time being, it may be worthwhile to find ways not to talk about it (maybe even tell them you don’t like talking about your dating life with them at this point or something). When you can guarantee yourself safe shelter, you can then assess whether and how tell them. Priority number 1 is staying safe and better be sheltered than finding yourself homeless. You owe to yourself to be so. Much love and best of luck.
Op- Do you have plans to move out soon?
I’ve been speaking with a few friends that also want to move out so we could maybe get something together. But nothing serious yet. I’ve been looking online and there’s not a ton available in my area that’s within our price range. But still looking.
I completely agree. Don’t be hard on yourself. You didn’t ask to be gay. Someday it will get much better.
Are you sure because were I come from in Africa it never get better it get worse and worse each day especially when you are an effeminate guy. It's like everybody knows you are gay but you try as much as possible to hide it
Yea this is prob the way to go. A lot of others have said more or less the same. Although I’m trying to move out as fast as I can lol. Appreciate the advice!
While you’re living under their roof, lying is worth it. Trust me. I made the mistake of telling my conservative parents while living with them for the same reason you described. If you truly want to come out to them, be sure to move out of their house *BEFORE* you come out. It’s better to lie for your safety than be traumatized in your living space.
Side note: your parents think that premarital sex with a woman is ok, but merely being gay is not?
> Side note: your parents think that premarital sex with a woman is ok, but merely being gay is not?
This is fairly common. Many conservative parents, the dads in particular, perceive boys having premarital sex with girls as “horsing around” or “getting some” or “just being boys”. Meanwhile they are overprotective and territorial toward their daughters, and consider premarital sex to be ‘whoring around.’ It’s a long-running sexist double standard.
Moving out is the best play here, better than getting kicked out because you can plan your exit. Once you're out you can find a way to come out to your parents once they aren't in such a position of power over you.
No need to lie (much) just excuse yourself and say you don’t want to talk about “her” because you don’t consider it something serious yet. Many people gay or not don’t feel comfortable talking about their hookups/girl/boyfriend to their parents.
This is tough. My Grandpa, Uncles, and Dad were all homophobic. Said terrible stuff. Once my uncle said something to the affect of, gays should be lined up and shot. I was so terrified of them finding out I almost killed myself than rather they find out. Then one day my grandpa straight up asked me and I just said yes. This is circa 1998ish. Afterwards, I would be lying if I didn't tell you it was a rocky road of drama, but to my grandpa's credit(he raised me) and the first words out of his mouth were, this doesn't change things with us. You are still my grandson. My Uncle's, Dad and Grandpa all became awesome as far as their views or whatever, I visited the grandparents many times with boyfriend's in town. Been to family BBQs and whatnot. I'm sure they couldn't be considered staunch allies by today's standards but they did accept me, eventually, and there isn't anything they wouldn't do for me. I must reassert there were very difficult times after coming out, it wasn't instant or pleasent. Also, my scenario is mine and basically can't be a guaranteed outcome for anyone. I'm not saying hey just come out, but don't be so convinced by what straight people say about gays in certain spaces, when it is their son, daughter, or grand kid they can go through a period of intense reflection and come out a better person on the otherside.
Conservative parents or not, there is never a formula or a guarantee that things will go smooth. And usually it doesn’t. At least not in the beginning. I was abruptly brought out the closet by a school staff when I was 15 and already loving other men at nightclubs I got in with a fake ID, and the immediate reaction from my liberal open-minded mom was to lock me inside the house for a month. It took her time to process it all, even though she always knew. She was afraid I’d get AIDS or have an overdose. And she had reasons to. I was living like a club kid in 90s NYC. She cried, she screamed, wanted to take me to a psychologist and said horrible things like “be gay but don’t be a sissy” and shit like that. After that she apologized, made clear that I should see her as a friend rather than an obstacle and I already knew that, actually. We’ve always been friends. She was desperate. And I, instead of closing myself, actually helped her out of that dark place. She turned out to be my best friend in the years that followed. Our home became a safe haven for other gays friends of mine. I always had her to talk to, which saved me from various possibly dangerous situations. Fast forward 15 years and she’s still my best friend, the biggest ally I know, the best mother-in-law to my husband who she adores and we’re planning our drag for pride next year. Jesus, she could never even imagined me in drag in those dark first months after finding out. In short: no matter how loving and open-minded your parent is, it is usually a bumpy road in the beginning. Be ready. BTW, your grandpa sounds like a wonderful person.
For some families blood is thicker than water, for some it’s not. Glad your grandpa had that priority figured out at least. I think that deserves credit because it’s not always the case. In my experience a lot of what they have to manage is fears about their own reputation.
My parents were also pretty homophobic and I didn’t want to tell them either. My mom had found out through my MySpace back in the day and made me tell my dad. It was hard, but I did. It took a couple years, but they came around. 14 or so years later, they treat my now boyfriend like family. I really hope that this happens for you (hopefully sooner than a couple years) and anyone else that comes out to their parents. I think you’re probably better off telling them you’re not that serious and don’t want to talk about it for now and find a way to get your own place when the market in your area gets better. Sending good thoughts!
OP, definitely have a plan if there is any hint that you'll get booted. Sadly, there are real stories of "religious" parents who thought destroying their relationship with their child was the right way to respond to them coming out to them. In a financial position to rent with room/house mates? Any friendly relatives or parents of friends? Etc. GLTY. ✌️🤙
I wouldn’t put yourself in a situation in which you are making yourself vulnerable without having a backup plan, especially if you’re still relying on your family financially. I know it sucks but you should be able to come out on your own terms and on your own time and not have to worry about being homeless because of it.
Here's [advice](https://www.thestranger.com/slog/2018/02/19/25786988/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-my-parents-might-disown-me-for-being-gay) from Dan Savage to a reader with homophobic parents. All the top comments on this thread nailed it in terms of your specific situation. Follow their advice. Once you move out of that house and find yourself on more grounded footing, consider this going forward in terms of how to deal with your parents: *(from the column)*
*Your only leverage over your parents as an adult is your presence. If they can't love and respect you for who you are, you don't have to see them. If that's the only way you can be yourself and live with integrity and authenticity, then it's a price you may have to pay. It’ll be sad if it comes to that—but remember: homophobic parents are responsible for their estrangement from their adult gay children. You aren’t doing something terrible to them, they're doing something terrible to themselves. When you're ready to to tell them, tell them. Let 'em disown you, let your mom faint with disgust, let your dad stomp his feet until there's nothing left but stumps.*
In other advice, he says to give parents a year to be petulant little bitches once you come out. If they can't find it within themselves to grow and mature to a place of acceptance within that year, then fuck em.
Thanks, I also needed that
Keep lying, that my advice your safety is the most important thing for now ,save enough money and move out ,tell your mom and siblings you trust thr most first, make sure they're you're allies and won't leave you alone then tell the dad
Lots of good advice here. Your number one responsibility is to take care of your well being. Know that people here care about you—I don’t know you from Adam except this post but I have empathy and I am rooting for you. Hang in there.
Do your best and look at it not like who need to know, but who deserves to know.
make no mistake - life is not cheap no matter how well you do financially so I would suggest save as much as you can as fast as you can and when you can't stand it anymore move out because mental health problems are far more expensive in the long run. Sorry dude.
You need your own home. Make a plan to do that soonest because at 23 you should not have to be answering to parents for where you have been. It does not compute.
You’ll be leaving at some point. And if all things are equal in terms of your ability to safely provide for yourself, there might be no time like the present.
If you’re in fl pm me. You can come live with me and my partner if you need a place to crash for a bit.
You answered your own question in the first sentence.
Once you are out from under their roof you can be the man that you want to be without fear of repercussions.
My advice would be to move out when you find a nice safe place, and then maybe after six months, once they have gotten over you moving out, come out to them.
Then give them another six months to adjust and check in with them after that and see if you can have a relationship in future.
You don’t have to ever come out to homophobic family. Once you’ve moved out and are safe you can just live your life as an open gay man and never tell them, you don’t owe them transparency if it’s going to cause problems for you.
It makes a big difference to have your own place. It’s not just the surveillance it’s about you feeling different about yourself as an independent person who can live life the way he chooses without guilt or shame or judgment.
Sorry to say it but I think you will have some years where your parents are very distant and small in your life. Whether that’s because of your decisions or theirs makes a big difference.
For me, making it my decision was helpful, and I let them work their way back to me if they wanted. My thought was: I’m not broken and looking for forgiveness and acceptance. It’s their attitudes that are broken and I’m the one who decides when to forgive them. It worked for me. For some families, you’d never speak again. So do what fits your family but either way get out of their sad house.
So first things first, find yourself a place - don't worry about roommates and the like. They're not going to dig you with questions you don't feel like answering(and if they do, you don't have any obligation to tell them unless you would feel comfortable talking to them).
I was almost killed by my mother at 19 bc she "didn't agree with my life choices to be gay" and had a little bit of a psychotic break. So I moved out, and had roommates.
You're still fairly young and can likely find a roommate, to split cost on a place, no issue.
I'm sure there's a fb group in your city if you want to move in with other lgbtq+ people, if that makes you feel safer.
Wait until you leave. Sound they suspect and are overjoyed that you like a girl. I believe most parents know something up and then will Grasp on to anything that make you straight. My mother will deny it until here dying breath but I know she suspected. Heard her talking to her friend about it. “ He’ll grow out of it. They all do”. We just move away and don’t tell. That was back in the day. Wait until your situated. Then you can come and go with delight and when you ready drop the bomb. You might get a little tingle or a giggle out of it. You can away go home if their displeased
Keep lying as long as you live by your parents. Consider moving out asap and be financial independent.
Coming out while living at your parents is a seems to be huge risk and there are several posts on reddit where gays who came out while living at their parents, would advise you to not come out.
Find spaces and people you can be yourself with until you can move out. You’re not lying you’re surviving. There is nothing wrong with trying to stay safe when you live with parents who may not accept you. I’m sorry you’re in this situation and you deserve better and you will find it someday.
Bro I am really happy for you that your have people to help warm your bed but please do not come out to them yet maybe not ever because I don't to think they even want to know. Lies are good especially when it is surrounding our sexuality because the world I know is set to hurt people like me and you.love Trevor, from Africa
Tell all the gory truthful details. That’ll shut them up and make them sorry they asked (hopefully they’ll just take it as sarcasm and a way of you saying back the eff off)
Dude. You know it’s time to come out when you are sick of lying. You’re there. Go for it. You will feel so much better. And if you’re family can’t handle it, fuck ‘em. It’s your life. Enjoy it!
Wait until you’re independent, then tell them after that if you feel the need to. Don’t end up homeless.
Seems to me that if you can afford to move out, then move out. Then you can come out whenever you want without worrying about your father kicking you out on his terms.
You need to get a roommate or something for the time being. Hell, rent an extended stay hotel. You are an adult and you can finance yourself. This is so unhealthy.
Whatever you do don't come out right now. They WILL throw you out.
Not trying to be cruel but I come from a family like this. Mothers, maybe...fathers definitely.
Also, do it for yourself. You deserve to feel safe and respected.
If you got time to find hookup buddies then you have time to find a place to live. Stop making excuses thinking someones going to find a place for you or its going to fall out the sky. If youre tired of lying and have the means to pay for your own place then find your own place. Its not rocket science. Your dad will kick you out mostly because youre old enough, have the means to support yourself and him being homophobic is just icing on the cake.
How can you not see your problem has a definite solution if you would put in the work and start priortizing your happiness?
Say you were hanging out like you did and if they take it as hooking up with a girl tell them no I was not with a girl. You don't have to say what you were doing with the guy just that you were not with a girl. If they ask questions like that answer them exactly as you would if you were hanging out with a straight guy
Garbage advice. If OP has no one to turn to for housing/shelter, you're basically condemning them to a life on the streets. Homelessness is worse than lying until one is financially independent.
Stop lying. It will free you.
Well, just like other posts, you have my sympathy. I agree with everyone, first be independent financially and with living arrangements... But like one of the post mentioned, do not underestimate their reaction. It's one thing immitating one's surrounding for approval or to fit in and overassertive, and finding oneself in the very situation to test what's it like to be parent of a gay son and sometime coming to a certain realization of one's confusion.
With recoil, my coming out to my parents was totally reckless. Did it while I was a student abroad upon returning to my home country during one summer break, still totally dependent from them financially. Though, my sister did know about me, that's why when the time comes having a relative on your side (one they trust) can be helpful.
Not everything ends badly... My dad who's your typical women chaser, boderline macho, well now he's all accepting of my partner and we all spend vacation together. Things can sometime turn around. I'm not saying they will, but just as much our realisation of whom we tend to fall in love with or the type of person we feel attracted to can be a continuous process, they too have to go through the same when we tell them (well others don't have too, but they may have different views from the start).
Just tell them it was just a hook up and it's not serious. That makes them shut up
Tell them to piss off lad. You’re 23, not 15. They dont need to know every detail of your life
If moving out isn’t an option then a quick reminder to your parents that you’re 23 and are allowed a personal life and you’ll tell them once you have news worth sharing.
Just say you aren’t seeing her anymore if it comes up. If you think your Mom would take it better than your Dad you can talk to her first and voice your concerns about your Dad’s remarks. If you still think that would go horribly or that she might tell your Dad then make sure you have a backup plan of somewhere to crash until you can sign a lease to an apartment elsewhere, or wait until you’ve already moved out and have your own space so that they can’t put you through that turmoil. You should gauge how serious your Dad was, or if he was overemphasizing.
You could also try coming out first to siblings or friends whom you know would have a positive reaction and would keep the secret. That way they can support you and be on your side when it comes to telling your parents.
"It's not lying if they make you lie."
Seriously it's not on you if you have to mislead them because telling the truth could affect your personal safety. The best thing you can do is look into how you can become autonomous first.
Man live “your” truth that’s all I can say don’t feel bad about living your life those questions can easily go unanswered. Or see it as you have a reason to get out on your own and be the man you were meant to be without people questioning your life your house= your privacy
I feel you man. Have a hug and my support. I'm in a similar circumstance myself. I'm determined to suck it up until I can move from home so I can start living on my own terms.
The best place to come out to them it at dinner , with a meal you paid for in a house / apartment you own or make regular payments on. If they are your support network right now have a think about what life’s going to be like without that support network before you make any decisions fuelled only by feelings
Give them explicit details about anal sex and just describe your hook-up as a freak in bed. Don’t lie, just tell the truth like an elf and make them regret asking the question.
Then don’t lie about it. If you don’t want to come out then tell them it’s private and you don’t want to answer their questions. Or even better if you just tell them that you’re gay. Maybe they won’t ask if they know it’s a guy.
This so reminds me of my experience at your age. I moved to another city at 23. Partly motivated by wanting to see the world but a lot of it was I was getting too used to lying to my parents and I didn't like it. I wasn't ready to come out at that age so I left. Everything turned out great and moving to Toronto was one of the best things I ever did. This is tough for you but you're in the right. Being gay is natural and good. Maybe your parents are decent people who just don't know any better. Gay people walk around with enough shame that it's important to remind ourselves, we're just being ourselves. Being straight isn't better, there's just more of them. :) Religion is the culprit, it's managed to brainwash people for years - even if your family isn't religious it seeps in. I know this is a difficult time but carry this with you - you're right because you're simply being who you are. There was a great advertising slogan some years ago that went 'Some people are gay, get used to it.' Best of luck with your decision.
Lie to them as long as you need to. Tell them you aren't seeing her anymore. Don't come out to them just because you feel like you're "supposed" to unless you are sure it will be okay if they cut you off completely. They do not have a right to know your sexual orientation -- they forfeited that when they decided to be homophobic. Come out to them only because you want to and only when you are prepared for the consequences of doing so. Many people say otherwise and I think that is just foolish.
When they pry for questions about a girl and “assume” all of your outings are dates with girls, that means they might already be heavily suspecting you are gay and are in desperate denial, looking for any sign to convince themselves you aren’t gay. Do you have friends you can move in with? It could be helpful to try and make living arrangements with other people you trust. That way you can be independent from your parents’ ignorant perception of your life.
This is probably not good advice, but if they keep asking questions tell them that the girl in question ghosted and blocked you on everything and that you don't really feel like talking about it. When you're out during hookups, tell your parents you went to the gym or park, or you went to see a movie with your friends from high school, etc.
Honestly, I get it. I left home when I was 16 because of this sort of shit (dad and I fought, a lot, and it was violent.. but then he was abusive and 16 is when I had decided I had enough and fought back). My advice with homophobic parents is to hold it down till you can get the hell out, and get the hell out as soon as you can.
Just.. don't do it how I did. Having a fist fight in front of your siblings and step mom isn't a good look, no matter the reason. And no, my Dad and I still are not ok, and I'm 50 now. He's a hateful, spiteful, mean spirited bigot and a racist and I want nothing to do with him, that's before we even get into his homophobia issues. Hell.. there have been times in my life where I've been ashamed to even tell people about him.
As an adult, you officially don't owe them any explanation of your whereabouts as long as it does not impact their homelives. It's a bit of a dick move, maybe, but it also means that you can set a boundary for them. They are free to ask - you are free to decline to answer or acknowledge their questions.
Where do you live if you don't mind my asking? If you're in a major city (or want to move to a major city), there are probably Queer Exchange and Queer Housing groups on Facebook you can join. They can be very good resources.
Gonna agree with a lot of what's been said already. Your parents sound a lot like mine were when I was your age, so I've seen this unfold for myself and many friends over the years. I always talk in terms of hierarchy of needs. So food and shelter are first. Once your housing is secure, it's a game changer. Then you can tackle coming out.
To get thru it in the meantime, maybe set some microgoals that you can focus on and gets you closer to your own place. Also maybe put a date in your mental calendar that you plan to come out to them. Maybe by Thanksgiving 2022 (assuming you're in the US).
Just tell them that you really do not want to talk about it. And change the subject whenever it comes up. Im from a South Asian society. Very conservative. Focus on your job and do well at work. Make real friends who know all about you and love you unconditionally. Do not entertain any talks about your private life. And un the meantime...... Look for a place to live by yourslef or with roommates if poasible. You are not alone. YOU ARE LOVED.
Stop adding more lies because it will backfire big time.