I just want to be out. I just want to be happy.
By - BobClocks
I’ll give you advice I don’t usually give: lie. Lie your ass off to your parents until you’re in a position where you can safely live on your own.
But don’t lie to yourself. Get outside the house as much as you can (poor timing, I know) and be the nail-polish wearing, boy-fucking person you want to be.
If you get caught? Lie. Use the Shaggy Defense (it wasn’t me). Just tell them what they want to hear. They already know the reality here, they just want to be in denial about the things they can’t control (namely your sexuality and the fact that you are an adult). So let them have their illusions - but don’t you ever fall for your own lies. They don’t own you, and you don’t owe them subservience even if they are providing for you.
The shaggy defense is bulletproof
I second this advice. I was caught by my parents(didnt know what search history was and watched gay porn) and i lied about me clicking some ads when i was browsing the internet they went from hysterical to normal in a week or so.
4 years goes by in a blink, I stopped blinking! 😋 on the serious side I was in the closet from age 14 or so to 27 or so. Was it easy, no it wasn't but times were different then to now. If you can not come out at home then don't. Study hard, have lots of fun at school meet a lot of people. If you meet someone great if not your still very young and have a lot of time!
I feel like this situation is where my life could be had I of taken a slightly different path. I am 20 and luckily am living far away from home for college (Washington to Indiana). My mother knows I am gay but is in denial about it actually being the case. My dad would disown me if he knew. If I had gone to school around home I would be playing the same game as you, but luckily it is only during the summer.
Here's the thing, as you are starting college you have plenty of new opportunities to get into a relationship or hook up (depends on what you are looking for). Spend time on campus. Join clubs or groups relating to your interests. For example, I rent a house when I am at college but spend most of my time bumming around in the Computer Science labs because they are constantly full of people to hang out with. I found my first relationship freshman year by going to an Ultimate Frisbee Club event.
The trick is to keep home stable and have fun elsewhere. College is great for that! (Alternatively, you could just do what I did when I was sent home during lockdown: watch gay romance movies until I felt better.)
I'm basically in the exact same position. My parents sort of know I'm gay, but they told me to find another home if I want to be gay, because they didn't raise me to be gay. I was 13 then and nearly made a very stupid mistake.
I'm 21 now and still studying at university. They pay my tuition, so I really can't risk coming out. On top of that I'm agnostic too, and my mom also bluntly asked me if I still have faith. I lied and said that I do.
I think our situations are very similar, so I'll give you some advice I got from a phycologist I saw recently. - You HAVE to take some space for yourself. If you have to go to campus, stay there for a month if you have to. It doesn't mean you should come out, but having that little bit of freedom away from them will help.
My dm's are always open if you want to talk it out.
And PS - you are much stronger than you think, it takes a lot of power to pretend you are someone you're not.
Okay, I know it was a typo but I laughed when you said you visited a phycologist. I was like, we’ll that’s a little far afield, unless you’re Spongebob.
“A phycologist is a biological scientist specializing in the study of algae and phytoplankton, this is a sub-discipline of botany. “
Lol are you me!?
To be honest I know how you feel I've been there. Well sorta I've never had the desire to wear nail polish or anything but the parents and religion. All I can say is if they did say theyll accept if you bring home a boy theres only way to know and that's to do it or sit down and talk to them one on one. It's scary but worth it
And one thing I wish I heard was that in the end it is gonna be all okay. Maybe theyll say the wrong thing or even do the wrong thing but when all Is said and done all of you can take a deep breath and be happy
This sounds like it has more to do with your relationship with your parents, than with you being gay. It seems like the message you have internalized is that you parent's love is conditioned on you pleasing them. If they are not pleased, then that love and family status can be taken away.
Frankly, I don't see how the situation will be any different in four years than it is now. You will still be chasing after your parent's love by trying to make them happy. (Or, at least trying to avoid making them angry.)
Either this continues forever, or at some point you are going to have to decide that fulfilling your life and upholding your values matter more than staying in their good graces. It sounds to me like you are now approaching that mark, and the compromises are starting to chafe.
The good news is that your parents aren't dead set against you being gay. That's a plus. But, I'm not saying you are wrong that once they are presented with the whole package they may be less than thrilled.
The thing is, a lot of people who have never had to confront having a gay person in the family initially react badly, but eventually make their peace with it - at least to some degree. Especially if they can see your life up close and see that you are happy and successful.
Consider this - by holding back and shielding them from the whole of who you are, you are preventing them from making that journey from being uncomfortable to acceptance. You are deciding for them that this is too much for them to handle. And as long as you protect them, their current views will never be challenged and they will never grow.
I say, to quote Abba: "Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance chance chance...". At some point you are going to have to live your life for yourself and not for them. You are going to have to move forward, and let them catch up in their own time.
Coming out is a gift of love and respect that you give to both yourself, and the people you love. It is saying "I want you to know me as I am. I don't want to hide behind lies and half-truths. I love you and respect you and trust you with the real me. Because in return, I want to know and love the real you."
Eventually, you are going to have to climb out on a limb and take that chance. The difference between doing it now and doing it four years from now is that your parents can be four years more mature in their attitudes and that much closer to dancing at your wedding.
I have a very similar situation to OP and I know I won't be able to come out to my parents safely before I'm financially independent. I also know it's the right thing to do to forgive them and give them time to be part of my life. But honestly, I don't want that. I'm kind of hoping that the day I move out of their house and come out to them, that they don't accept me. It would just make it easier to tell them to stay away from me.
I am in the same position. It gets better if you find a lot of friends and get many hobbies to fill your time. Try DND or video games. It helps alot.
I'm 22 and have been there. Surround yourself with friends who you can be yourself with. You won't have to hide as much but understand it is hard at home, you feel like you are living a lie. I always felt the same. However you are protecting yourself and your mental health.
Just remember, it's okay to like guys, to be yourself, your feelings are valid. (Never think as this as your problem but societies old ways.)
Over time it WILL get easier, hang in there. 🏳️🌈
4 year. I move away and went to college and still didn’t have a social life because I was working and going to school. My biggest fear was how to make 30.00 last a week. That was my food and gas budget. 4 year is nothing
I was terrified to come out to my parents. I had a good relationship with loving parents, but I knew they wouldn't be happy about it. 10 years later, and they've grown so much. If you think your parents already know, your mom saying "we will love whoever you choose to bring home" means something.
I'm not saying it will be fun or easy, but being in the closer isn't easier. Your parents love you? Want whats best for you? At the very least they will want you to finish college and thats four years they could spend getting to know the real YOU.
Its up to you though.
I would suggest you just talk to your mother again.
You have stated they already know and she would love anyone you choose to bring home.
But having been in a similar position, this is all really a couple of different issues that look like it’s about being gay. But it’s not.
You should open up again to her about being gay and what that means for who you’d be dating and would like to bring home.
Let them warm up to the idea of you being more openly gay at home if that’s what they need.
Then just slowly feel it out, if they sound like they’re more open to some ideas, then start slow and put on nail polish once. Just to see. But if they start talking about gay conversion therapy, then just dial it back again lol.
You need to address to yourself how you want to portray your religious beliefs to your mom/parents.
I understand being gay and Christian doesn’t add up for you but it definitely happens all the time. And you definitely don’t agree with their views on homosexuality, but being Christian is important to your parents.
Religion can be really ingrained into peoples selves. So if you decide to reject Christianity, your parents will feel like you are rejecting them even if that’s not what you mean, which is also what they’re afraid of. Which is confusing because you are also gay. And the fact that you are only 21, and they are starting to see you make your own decisions for yourself.
They definitely fear you will not be Christian and go down a bad path.
But if your dream is to be open, then communicate with them. Be respectful about it and don’t just sneak around from the beginning. Make a willingness first before you try anything that comes across as bad.
But be cautious at first, I don’t know how your parents are really. So I wouldn’t want anything drastic to happen to you.
She explicitly said she would love anyone you chose to bring home, and never said she'd kick you out if you dated a guy. Sounds like its time for a legitimate conversation with the parentals.
I don't know your situation, but (regarding your brother) it sounds like all you need to do is keep your grades up, keep them convinced you have your faith, and don't do PDA in their house.
I'd say hiding who you are for four years has the potential to really mess with your head. Dont go crazy with flamboyancy in front of your parents cause you don't want to shock them into having a bad reaction. But to isolate yourself from relationships out of fear can really hurt. I know that from experience. It threw me into a weird confusion about my desires and needs for quite a while. I'm still dealing with some of that isolationist mentality and it doesn't feel too good.